mom – 924 Coaching

Boundaries.

By Cathy Mallick | July 19, 2020

You know how you have those a-ha moments that feel like they have been building for days, but you only realize it in hindsight, like, “oooooohhhhh, THAT is why that happened”, and perhaps that was the Universe tapping me on the shoulder and saying ”are you paying attention? I’m trying to teach you something.”

I have been listening to Brené Brown talk about Boundaries for ages. In her books, in her podcasts, it always makes sense. Then I get thrown into a real-life opportunity to apply it in my own world, and where did all that wisdom go? Replaced by frustration and overwhelm, and a HEAVY dose of brain-chatter, I did my best to muddle through, taking the lessons on the nose as I went.

So here is the context: Four kids at home for the summer, Mom trying to hold space for her own identity through her own work, but keeps getting called upon by her children for various needs. There is an assumption in their requests that I will help, always. And why wouldn’t they think that? Haven’t I tee’d up that expectation with my behavior and responses their whole life? Even if the request could be fulfilled themselves with just a wee bit of effort, the quickest point from A to B in their minds is, Ask Mom.

As an aside, you may be familiar with this in your own world. It looks like this: Your child, sometimes in the same room with you, but often yelling from another room, says “Mom, where is <fill in the blank>. At which point, you are faced with a handful of options:

Reply (or shout back), “it’s in the <fill in the blank>, giving them the easy answer to save you both time, but extends a terrible precedent.
Respond with the empowering encouragement to “look with your eyes, not your mouth!”, knowing they are capable of finding what they are looking for if they just put a little effort into it. Caveat, this often loops back to either a) or c) .
Drop what you are doing, go to where they are, pick up the item (often sitting right in front of them) and hand it to them with one of those Mom looks that says “are you kidding me?” but teaches them that Mom will always rescue them so they need not be resourceful

I write this in a vibe that suggests frustration, but if I’m being authentic, there is a part of me that is validated by my children needing me. After all, motherhood is a huge part of my identity, and I do truly want to be a great mom to my kids, and that look of relief on my child’s face when their item is found, translates to gratitude to me. As a mom whose love language is Acts of Service, this means I have shown them love, right?

But what if I have created four entitled monsters who never do anything for themselves and have no respect or courtesy for when I am busy with something else? What if in my motherhood goal of being a soft-place-to-land for my children, I have made myself too accessible, robbing them of the opportunity to learn grit and resourcefulness? Did I blow it by doing too much for them?

No, of course not, a few years from now the house will be empty and you will actually miss the opportunity to be cleaning up after your children, because it means they are close by.

Are you kidding? This is a life skill, their future room- mates and spouses will thank me for the hard lessons I teach them now!

Bah, curse you mind chatter!

Deep breath….exhale…enter Brené Brown’s wisdom on how to live B-I-G.

B is for Boundaries.

I is for Integrity

G is for generosity

This acronym asks the question, “what boundaries need to be in place for me to be in integrity and generous towards others”.

(Given the topic of this post I feel a note of of clarification is needed here. Generosity towards others is not what you might first think – she is talking about the story we create in our mind about other people and their behavior – do we villainize, judge and/or blame, or are we generous with our responses and thoughts, creating space for our perception of them to be something more?)

Brené does some great story-telling around the idea of Boundaries. The moral of her stories often asks the question: have you ever said yes to something you didn’t really want to do, and then quickly morphed that into resentment for having to do what you agreed to do? Who is really accountable in that scenario?

What it comes down to in attempting to set healthy boundaries, is being really honest (both with yourself, and others) about:

what is okay
what is not okay.

So back to my example with my kids. I woke up that morning feeling good and ready to tackle the three items I had in mind to complete by the end of the day. I tossed them around in my mind a little, feeling into what order I should complete them, and what approach to use with each, feeling like a rock star for being pro-active and so well organized!

It may come as a surprise to hear this, but it did not even occur to me that all of it might get sabotaged by my children’s own agenda for the day. A request from one kid here, another one there, setting aside what I was doing, pivoting to account for the time lost, returning to my tasks only to be pulled away again by something “urgent” for one of my children. The words of Dr. Phil from many years ago float back into my head “you teach people how to treat you”, but they are quickly quashed by the logic of “it will be easier and quicker to just do this for them than the energy it would take to decline their request and explain patiently why they would have to either wait or find another resource”. Setting boundaries takes time and I just want to get back to my tasks as quickly as possible so I can feel good about finishing them!

I feel my barometer rising with each additional request, as my mind begins to move to Plan B for completing my own tasks. I begin crafting an email to set modified expectations with a client about how my children are to blame for my lateness. I don’t send it. In a last ditch effort, I partially decline one of my kids, explaining that I also have some items to attend to, and encourage him to ask his sibling for help instead (clever, right?), and if it doesn’t work out, THEN I’ll help. It took about 15 minutes for him to be tapping my shoulder, explaining that he just needed me to do it.

Okay, gloves off. “Darling, when you are planning a project, part of the skill lies in planning the availability of resources. If you know you are going to need other resources (i.e. ME), you need to book them in advance to ensure they are available. I actually have a deadline I need to meet today and if I help you with this right now in this moment, I will not make my own deadline”. Feeling surprisingly satisfied with the calmness with which I was conveying this wisdom, I paused to let it sink in and awaited his response.

“Okay Mom, I get it. <long pause> Alright, ready to help me then?” Sigh.

Fortunately in this example, I was able to give him the time and effort he was asking for, and while I was late to hitting my own deadline, I did in fact complete the task, later that night, after supper.

Unfortunately, I was then plagued with the conflicting inner voices of “be a great mom first” vs “set some boundaries to preserve your own identity”. What does it matter? Everything got done! Yes, but I don’t want to be in that situation again, what can I do to make this better next time?

As so often happens with reflection, I realized afterwards what I should have said. Using Brené Brown’s template:

This is okay:

It is okay to ask me for help. I love supporting you in your goals, I am your biggest fan!

This is not okay:

Waiting until the last minute to ask for my help and then demanding my time and attention with no consideration to other commitments I might have. I may *seem* accessible because you can physically see me, but please don’t assume my time and energy are available.

This approach allows me to feel good about sharing some of my life-wisdom with my son about how to manage a project, and also models the behavior I hope he will one day adopt in setting boundaries in his own world.

The feeling of being an effective Mom. My own tasks accomplished. Check. Thank you Universe, lesson learned!

And in the spirit of great irony, I then receive this quote from Anita Moorjani and I see the whole thing in a brand new light.

May the learning continue…

Finding your joy, even when you’re busy.

By Cathy Mallick | October 16, 2019

People rarely ask me what I do. This is usually because they have already learned that I have four children and so have jumped to the assumption that I am solely defined by motherhood. On the rare occurrence, however, that someone asks about what I do, I often catch a glimpse in their eyes as I am describing the sessions I offer. It’s a glimpse that is reflective, and at the same time judgmental. They appear to be listening but their mind has immediately begun to assess where they might personally land on some imaginary spectrum of those who attend my sessions. Is that something I need? Yes, of course, but do I need it badly enough to show vulnerability? Some are brave enough to jump in and say “yes please, two helpings!” and others cling to their excuses of why self-care is not yet a priority for them.

I see moms every day struggling with “not good enough” self-doubt, forever questioning how they could have done something better, been more organized, not yelled at their kids, or how they missed a detail. Even on the good days, all it takes is one FB post or one Pinterest reference to send you into a tailspin of what you “should” be doing.

The word “should” just might be the most destructively–charged word in the English language.

I count myself in with this group, of course, but I found reprieve in an exercise from Sanaya Roman’s book “Living With Joy”. In it, she offers:

“You may have been taught that being busy creates self-worth”.

(notice how there is no judgement in that statement? It just offers an idea for you to consider and decide if it aligns with your own truth)

From this book, I learned to differentiate between Personality-driven activity (all the shoulds, and obligations we have allowed in our life) and Soul-driven activity – those activities done with your higher purpose in mind.

Weigh that for a minute in your mind. Personality-driven, versus soul-driven.

As you reflect on this and try to discern the difference, gently walk yourself through your schedule today. For each activity, consider how it makes you feel and how it relates to your higher purpose. Keep in mind that your ego will try to step in and begin justifying your choices to help you feel better, but follow your intuition. Do you feel resistance and negative emotions in response to the activity, or do you feel excited about it, like it is aligned with your true nature?

And I hear what you are thinking…”Well that’s a neat exercise, but I can’t just drop my obligations cause they don’t feel good, I’ve made a commitment to them!” Right?

If you discover activity in your day that is creating resistance and negative emotion, it doesn’t mean you have to drop it. This new awareness is gifting you with choice. Perhaps the choice is to drop it, but more practically, maybe the choice is to shift your perception of it. Reach for a better feeling thought about the situation. Consider it from a different angle or perspective and see if there is a lens through which you can see the activity in a way that better aligns with your inner purpose.

For example, when I tried this for myself the other day, I lay in bed after hitting the snooze and walked myself through the planned activities of my upcoming day, applying the lens of Personality-driven vs Soul-driven. It was going very well at first, until I got snagged on washing the dishes (the ones I have left for several days). Hmm, I don’t love doing dishes and there is no way that scraping day-old food off a frying pan is part of my higher purpose! The job still needed to be done, and seeing how it’s unlikely I will get a butler for Christmas, I chose to look at it from another angle. How do I feel when the dishes are clean, put away and available to me when I wish to use them? Way better than I feel when I go to make dinner and can’t find a clean pan anywhere in the drawer. I carefully, and intentionally, reached for the better feeling thought – the one that fills me up when things are where they are supposed to be when I need them. I also love the way the kitchen looks when it is clean. It brings me joy to see a clean kitchen, and living with joy is most definitely part of my higher purpose.

So in the words you’ve likely said to your children a thousand times, there are no excuses, just choices.

Sanaya Roman offers the following guidance when making those choices:

“You may have many reasons why you cannot change your life right now. If you do not begin to create reasons why you can, change will always be a future thought, and you will not be on the path of joy”.

You have a choice to live joyfully! Be mindful not to be trapped by your own creations. Everyone around you will thank you for it, and feel liberated to do the same.

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Need some help finding your joy? Head over to 924coaching.com to discover sessions designed to provide practice in the techniques that lead to a more purposeful and peaceful way of living. If a group session is not what you’re looking for, I also offer 1:1 coaching sessions to work through whatever is keeping you from your joy.

Choose to invest in your own self-care – I promise you, everything flows better when you do!