Boundaries.

You know how you have those a-ha moments that feel like they have been building for days, but you only realize it in hindsight, like, “oooooohhhhh, THAT is why that happened”, and perhaps that was the Universe tapping me on the shoulder and saying ”are you paying attention? I’m trying to teach you something.”

I have been listening to Brené Brown talk about Boundaries for ages. In her books, in her podcasts, it always makes sense.  Then I get thrown into a real-life opportunity to apply it in my own world, and where did all that wisdom go? Replaced by frustration and overwhelm, and a HEAVY dose of brain-chatter, I did my best to muddle through, taking the lessons on the nose as I went. 

So here is the context:  Four kids at home for the summer, Mom trying to hold space for her own identity through her own work, but keeps getting called upon by her children for various needs. There is an assumption in their requests that I will help, always.  And why wouldn’t they think that?  Haven’t I tee’d up that expectation with my behavior and responses their whole life?  Even if the request could be fulfilled themselves with just a wee bit of effort, the quickest point from A to B in their minds is, Ask Mom.

As an aside, you may be familiar with this in your own world. It looks like this:  Your child, sometimes in the same room with you, but often yelling from another room, says “Mom, where is <fill in the blank>.  At which point, you are faced with a handful of options:

1. Reply (or shout back), “it’s in the <fill in the blank>, giving them the easy answer to save you both time, but extends a terrible precedent.
2. Respond with the empowering encouragement to “look with your eyes, not your mouth!”, knowing they are capable of finding what they are looking for if they just put a little effort into it. Caveat, this often loops back to either a) or c) .
3. Drop what you are doing, go to where they are, pick up the item (often sitting right in front of them) and hand it to them with one of those Mom looks that says “are you kidding me?” but teaches them that Mom will always rescue them so they need not be resourceful

I write this in a vibe that suggests frustration, but if I’m being authentic, there is a part of me that is validated by my children needing me. After all, motherhood is a huge part of my identity, and I do truly want to be a great mom to my kids, and that look of relief on my child’s face when their item is found, translates to gratitude to me. As a mom whose love language is Acts of Service, this means I have shown them love, right?

But what if I have created four entitled monsters who never do anything for themselves and have no respect or courtesy for when I am busy with something else? What if in my motherhood goal of being a soft-place-to-land for my children, I have made myself too accessible, robbing them of the opportunity to learn grit and resourcefulness? Did I blow it by doing too much for them?

No, of course not, a few years from now the house will be empty and you will actually miss the opportunity to be cleaning up after your children, because it means they are close by.

Are you kidding? This is a life skill, their future room- mates and spouses will thank me for the hard lessons I teach them now!

Bah, curse you mind chatter!

Deep breath….exhale…enter Brené Brown’s wisdom on how to live B-I-G.

B is for Boundaries.

I is for Integrity

G is for generosity

This acronym asks the question, “what boundaries need to be in place for me to be in integrity and generous towards others”. 

(Given the topic of this post I feel a note of of clarification is needed here. Generosity towards others is not what you might first think – she is talking about the story we create in our mind about other people and their behavior – do we villainize, judge and/or blame, or are we generous with our responses and thoughts, creating space for our perception of them to be something more?)

Brené does some great story-telling around the idea of Boundaries. The moral of her stories often asks the question: have you ever said yes to something you didn’t really want to do, and then quickly morphed that into resentment for having to do what you agreed to do? Who is really accountable in that scenario?

What it comes down to in attempting to set healthy boundaries, is being really honest (both with yourself, and others) about:

1. what is okay
2. what is not okay. 

So back to my example with my kids. I woke up that morning feeling good and ready to tackle the three items I had in mind to complete by the end of the day. I tossed them around in my mind a little, feeling into what order I should complete them, and what approach to use with each, feeling like a rock star for being pro-active and so well organized!

It may come as a surprise to hear this, but it did not even occur to me that all of it might get sabotaged by my children’s own agenda for the day.  A request from one kid here, another one there, setting aside what I was doing, pivoting to account for the time lost, returning to my tasks only to be pulled away again by something “urgent” for one of my children.  The words of Dr. Phil from many years ago float back into my head “you teach people how to treat you”, but they are quickly quashed by the logic of “it will be easier and quicker to just do this for them than the energy it would take to decline their request and explain patiently why they would have to either wait or find another resource”.  Setting boundaries takes time and I just want to get back to my tasks as quickly as possible so I can feel good about finishing them!

I feel my barometer rising with each additional request, as my mind begins to move to Plan B for completing my own tasks. I begin crafting an email to set modified expectations with a client about how my children are to blame for my lateness. I don’t send it. In a last ditch effort, I partially decline one of my kids, explaining that I also have some items to attend to, and encourage him to ask his sibling for help instead (clever, right?), and if it doesn’t work out, THEN I’ll help. It took about 15 minutes for him to be tapping my shoulder, explaining that he just needed me to do it.

Okay, gloves off. “Darling, when you are planning a project, part of the skill lies in planning the availability of resources. If you know you are going to need other resources (i.e. ME), you need to book them in advance to ensure they are available. I actually have a deadline I need to meet today and if I help you with this right now in this moment, I will not make my own deadline”. Feeling surprisingly satisfied with the calmness with which I was conveying this wisdom, I paused to let it sink in and awaited his response.

 “Okay Mom, I get it. <long pause> Alright, ready to help me then?”    Sigh.

Fortunately in this example, I was able to give him the time and effort he was asking for, and while I was late to hitting my own deadline, I did in fact complete the task, later that night, after supper.

Unfortunately, I was then plagued with the conflicting inner voices of “be a great mom first” vs “set some boundaries to preserve your own identity”.  What does it matter? Everything got done! Yes, but I don’t want to be in that situation again, what can I do to make this better next time?

As so often happens with reflection, I realized afterwards what I should have said. Using Brené Brown’s template:

This is okay:

It is okay to ask me for help. I love supporting you in your goals, I am your biggest fan!

This is not okay:

Waiting until the last minute to ask for my help and then demanding my time and attention with no consideration to other commitments I might have. I may *seem* accessible because you can physically see me, but please don’t assume my time and energy are available.

This approach allows me to feel good about sharing some of my life-wisdom with my son about how to manage a project, and also models the behavior I hope he will one day adopt in setting boundaries in his own world.

The feeling of being an effective Mom. My own tasks accomplished. Check. Thank you Universe, lesson learned!

And in the spirit of great irony, I then receive this quote from Anita Moorjani and I see the whole thing in a brand new light.

May the learning continue…