Author: Cathy Mallick

Cathedral Building

Cathedral Building

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A few years ago, I was forever-changed by a beautiful piece from Nicole Johnson, entitled “Invisible Mother” which drew the perspective-changing parallel between Cathedral Building and Motherhood. I’ve re-posted it on Mother’s Day many times but it is worth re-visiting again, as this year I have had the honor of working with a group of people that has allowed me to draw new parallels. This year it occurred to me that this Cathedral Building notion also corresponds to the changes these incredible folks are catalyzing with respect to racism, addiction recovery, homelessness, and those returning to society from prison.

For ALL my fellow Cathedral Builders…whether they be mothers or change-makers, this is for you….thank you for your commitment to playing the long-game.

Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’

Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible.

The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’ Some days I’m a crystal ball; ‘Where’s my other sock?, Where’s my phone?, What’s for dinner?’ I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

  1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names.

2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof. No one will ever see it’. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he’d say, ‘You’re gonna love it there…’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

Original author: Nicole Johnson

The Glow.*

The Glow.*

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*Reprinted from April 30, 2013 

Raise your hand if you have ever watched a sunrise?

Not seen, but watched.

I have seen many sunrises but it was only until recently that I watched what actually happened as the sun’s light slowly edged its way across the earth. As the sun gradually peeks over the tops of the trees on the horizon, each part of the earth that it meets starts to glow. As each tree, rock, and blade of grass receives the sun’s radiance, it transforms from the dull shade of early morning to an awe-inspiring golden glow, and continues to bask in it until the sun eventually gets high enough in the sky to become daylight. I was mesmerized, watching the glow unhurriedly inch across the grass towards me, lighting up each thing in its path, including me! As I looked down at my dark colored jacket, even it was glowing! Breathtaking.

Reminiscencing throughout the day afterwards, recalling how beautiful an experience it all was, it occurred to me that we are capable of doing the same for others.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the unpleasant experience of being “triggered”. When someone or something hits a button inside you that sets you off in the direction of anger, frustration, sadness, or whatever – it can be difficult to come out of that tailspin. But what if we triggered others, back to themselves?

I read a story recently of a woman whose washing machine had broken and so, deciding to create a teachable moment for her children, she decided to bring them along to the laundromat to experience a coin-operated, out-of-the-comfort-of-home, laundry adventure. While there, they watched as an older woman started swearing and grouching at the dryer when she realized she had put the coins in the wrong machine and her clothes had been sitting wet for the entire time. The mother watched as her daughter approached the older woman and offered her some of her own coins. Instantly, the face of the older woman fell, realizing how badly she had behaved, swearing and grouching in front of young children, and apologized immediately, thanking the young girl for her generosity. She had been triggered by the dryer, but then triggered right back by the generosity and kindness of the young girl!

How powerful! To trigger someone back to their true selves, back to their joyful, peaceful being, much in the same way that the sun coaxes a glow out of all it touches each morning. As if to strengthen this realization, I was offered an example in my own life shortly after.

In one of my not-uncommon Saturday morning rants, I was grouching at my kids for making such a mess, preaching to them about cleaning up after themselves and laying on a thick layer of guilt, asking why they would expect someone else to clean up all the messes they make. Sound familiar anyone? In the middle of my tirade, I suddenly felt a warm hug around my legs and a small voice say “I love you, Mommy”. With one small, brave gesture, my five year old had dissolved my frustration and triggered me back to myself, reminding me how blessed I am to be a mother.

And there was the glow.

Everything we need is within us. The next time you see someone who has been triggered into a tailspin, resist the temptation to judge or react. Respond with love. Choose kindness. Then enjoy the transformational glow.

A Journey to the Summit: Your Fullest Self

A Journey to the Summit: Your Fullest Self

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If you have ever taken a Psychology course, you have likely encountered Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

A quick run-down of the image above: needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before individuals can attend to needs higher up. For example, someone experiencing homelessness is going to be more focused on securing their next meal and finding shelter than they would be in upgrading their computer skills. As they secure housing, a steady income, perhaps meet someone special, their needs move up the triangle accordingly. Also important to note, individuals may fluctuate between the levels based on their life circumstances. For example the death of a spouse might shift someone from Esteem, straight down to Safety (a life insurance sales person’s biggest sales pitch!)

The ability to climb this hierarchy is heavily influenced by an individual’s beliefs, fears, and internal programming developed from their life experiences. For example, someone who believes that all rich people are jerks that have only stepped on others to advance themselves, may never see their own wealth grow. Living with the subconscious belief that if they get too rich they will be perceived as a jerk, limits their ability to achieve “too much” financial success. This in turn limits their ability to satisfy the needs of Love/belonging or even Esteem because they are living outside of their true potential, choosing to play small in order to protect themselves.

Recently, however, I’ve seen another aspect emerging from these levels. This aspect is the perception of safety. It seems as though the litmus test for each level of Maslow’s hierarchy, could be:

how safe do I feel?

Easy enough to answer at the Physiological level, we can confirm if we have clean air to breathe, healthy food to nourish us, a reliable place to shelter and consistent hydration.

Similarly, at the next level, we can easily verify if we have enough money to pay the bills or if our body is ill or well. Although, as I look around our world, I wonder if this level is actually so easily achieved in our mental perceptions. We live in a world of wars, intensifying natural disasters, recessions, random violence, school shootings, stories of Me Too incidents and police brutality, riots and the hurricane of issues flowing from the recent pandemic – who could ever truly feel safe? And every ad you see in the media is desperately trying to appeal to your fear of scarcity.  I can think of half a dozen stories just off the top of my head where my teenage daughter has warned me about dangers she has been “informed of” on TikTok – “look beneath the car before you get in Mom, in case someone is waiting to slice your Achilles….If your windshield in covered in honey it is because someone is about to kidnap you!” Gratefully my daughter has never known physical trauma in her young life, but you’d never know it based on the anxious warnings she shares with me!

As we move up the levels, the boxes may take more introspection to check, but the perceived lack of safety is still there. For example, where does your mind go when you ask yourself:

Who in my life do I feel safe being vulnerable with?

Which people in your life could you reveal your authentic self to and still feel safe? Immediate questions of “How would they respond, would they think I’m weak, or high-maintenance? Am I wasting their time?” float to the front of our minds in discerning safe from unsafe. My bet is lots of us wouldn’t feel safe revealing our entire true self to even our children or parents – they may get a VIP door for some backstage viewing of ourselves, but even they aren’t permitted to see all of us. Parents feel they have to be strong for their children and an example of what-to-do, and children seek their parent’s approval and pride to fill the “good-kid” bucket we’ve inadvertently socialized them to conform to.  

In this regard, safety takes on an entirely different meaning. It implies safety from judgement, it implies compassionate empathy, and it feels like a soft place to land.

Satisfying needs at this level mean that when you are experiencing intense emotional turmoil, you have people in your life that will sit with you in it, hold a space for you as you work through it, and not forget that this is just a moment, not your identity.  They don’t try to fix you, they don’t give you platitudes, they meet you where you are and help you get back to the center you know is there, but has just become out of focus.

On the higher levels of Maslow’s chart, the safety aspect also knocks at the door in the form of Foreboding Joy, as Brené Brown calls it in her book Daring Greatly. This is the idea that any amount of joy in our life is really just a set-up, as we wait for the other shoe to drop. I know this concept well as I struggled greatly with it when my children were little and my husband travelled extensively for work. We had a healthy family, financial well-being, a great home, wonderful extended family to support us – “we have it too good! No one has it this good! Something tragic is definitely going to befall us later, cause no one can be this fortunate. My husband’s plane is going to crash, my child is going to get hit by a car, what will it be, and when?! When?!” It was exhausting. I was not yet a fan of Brené Brown at that point in my life, but I did come to the same antidote as what she recommends: gratitude.  And very quickly, I was able to pivot from fear, back to joy and lean into it. I felt safe again. Nothing else had changed, just my perspective.

Perspective is also the hinge that blame swings on. When you answered that question above about “Who in my life do I feel safe being vulnerable with?”, did you slot each person that came to mind into a category based on their behavior towards you in the past, or did you consider how much you have allowed each of them to see of your true self? Is it their behavior or your armor that has prevented a deeper connection? Chicken or the egg?

Living small because it does not feel safe to fully enjoy the abundance in your life is 100% not why we are here. We are spiritual beings living in a human body so that we can expand, enrich and grow our souls. When we try to protect ourselves from all the dangers we perceive, we also keep out everything that allows us to rise up this hierarchy and truly experience life at an elevated level.

So the next time you feel “unsafe” in the ways described here, take a moment, and a deep breath, and bravely ask yourself, “what do I believe is true in this scenario?”.

Get curious, and answer the question, “What does my fullest self look like?”

Boundaries.

Boundaries.

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You know how you have those a-ha moments that feel like they have been building for days, but you only realize it in hindsight, like, “oooooohhhhh, THAT is why that happened”, and perhaps that was the Universe tapping me on the shoulder and saying ”are you paying attention? I’m trying to teach you something.”

I have been listening to Brené Brown talk about Boundaries for ages. In her books, in her podcasts, it always makes sense.  Then I get thrown into a real-life opportunity to apply it in my own world, and where did all that wisdom go? Replaced by frustration and overwhelm, and a HEAVY dose of brain-chatter, I did my best to muddle through, taking the lessons on the nose as I went. 

So here is the context:  Four kids at home for the summer, Mom trying to hold space for her own identity through her own work, but keeps getting called upon by her children for various needs. There is an assumption in their requests that I will help, always.  And why wouldn’t they think that?  Haven’t I tee’d up that expectation with my behavior and responses their whole life?  Even if the request could be fulfilled themselves with just a wee bit of effort, the quickest point from A to B in their minds is, Ask Mom.

As an aside, you may be familiar with this in your own world. It looks like this:  Your child, sometimes in the same room with you, but often yelling from another room, says “Mom, where is <fill in the blank>.  At which point, you are faced with a handful of options:

  1. Reply (or shout back), “it’s in the <fill in the blank>, giving them the easy answer to save you both time, but extends a terrible precedent.
  2. Respond with the empowering encouragement to “look with your eyes, not your mouth!”, knowing they are capable of finding what they are looking for if they just put a little effort into it. Caveat, this often loops back to either a) or c) .
  3. Drop what you are doing, go to where they are, pick up the item (often sitting right in front of them) and hand it to them with one of those Mom looks that says “are you kidding me?” but teaches them that Mom will always rescue them so they need not be resourceful

I write this in a vibe that suggests frustration, but if I’m being authentic, there is a part of me that is validated by my children needing me. After all, motherhood is a huge part of my identity, and I do truly want to be a great mom to my kids, and that look of relief on my child’s face when their item is found, translates to gratitude to me. As a mom whose love language is Acts of Service, this means I have shown them love, right?

But what if I have created four entitled monsters who never do anything for themselves and have no respect or courtesy for when I am busy with something else? What if in my motherhood goal of being a soft-place-to-land for my children, I have made myself too accessible, robbing them of the opportunity to learn grit and resourcefulness? Did I blow it by doing too much for them?

No, of course not, a few years from now the house will be empty and you will actually miss the opportunity to be cleaning up after your children, because it means they are close by.

Are you kidding? This is a life skill, their future room- mates and spouses will thank me for the hard lessons I teach them now!

Bah, curse you mind chatter!

Deep breath….exhale…enter Brené Brown’s wisdom on how to live B-I-G.

B is for Boundaries.

I is for Integrity

G is for generosity

This acronym asks the question, “what boundaries need to be in place for me to be in integrity and generous towards others”. 

(Given the topic of this post I feel a note of of clarification is needed here. Generosity towards others is not what you might first think – she is talking about the story we create in our mind about other people and their behavior – do we villainize, judge and/or blame, or are we generous with our responses and thoughts, creating space for our perception of them to be something more?)

Brené does some great story-telling around the idea of Boundaries. The moral of her stories often asks the question: have you ever said yes to something you didn’t really want to do, and then quickly morphed that into resentment for having to do what you agreed to do? Who is really accountable in that scenario?

What it comes down to in attempting to set healthy boundaries, is being really honest (both with yourself, and others) about:

  1. what is okay
  2. what is not okay. 

So back to my example with my kids. I woke up that morning feeling good and ready to tackle the three items I had in mind to complete by the end of the day. I tossed them around in my mind a little, feeling into what order I should complete them, and what approach to use with each, feeling like a rock star for being pro-active and so well organized!

It may come as a surprise to hear this, but it did not even occur to me that all of it might get sabotaged by my children’s own agenda for the day.  A request from one kid here, another one there, setting aside what I was doing, pivoting to account for the time lost, returning to my tasks only to be pulled away again by something “urgent” for one of my children.  The words of Dr. Phil from many years ago float back into my head “you teach people how to treat you”, but they are quickly quashed by the logic of “it will be easier and quicker to just do this for them than the energy it would take to decline their request and explain patiently why they would have to either wait or find another resource”.  Setting boundaries takes time and I just want to get back to my tasks as quickly as possible so I can feel good about finishing them!

I feel my barometer rising with each additional request, as my mind begins to move to Plan B for completing my own tasks. I begin crafting an email to set modified expectations with a client about how my children are to blame for my lateness. I don’t send it. In a last ditch effort, I partially decline one of my kids, explaining that I also have some items to attend to, and encourage him to ask his sibling for help instead (clever, right?), and if it doesn’t work out, THEN I’ll help. It took about 15 minutes for him to be tapping my shoulder, explaining that he just needed me to do it.

Okay, gloves off. “Darling, when you are planning a project, part of the skill lies in planning the availability of resources. If you know you are going to need other resources (i.e. ME), you need to book them in advance to ensure they are available. I actually have a deadline I need to meet today and if I help you with this right now in this moment, I will not make my own deadline”. Feeling surprisingly satisfied with the calmness with which I was conveying this wisdom, I paused to let it sink in and awaited his response.

 “Okay Mom, I get it. <long pause> Alright, ready to help me then?”    Sigh.

Fortunately in this example, I was able to give him the time and effort he was asking for, and while I was late to hitting my own deadline, I did in fact complete the task, later that night, after supper.

Unfortunately, I was then plagued with the conflicting inner voices of “be a great mom first” vs “set some boundaries to preserve your own identity”.  What does it matter? Everything got done! Yes, but I don’t want to be in that situation again, what can I do to make this better next time?

As so often happens with reflection, I realized afterwards what I should have said. Using Brené Brown’s template:

This is okay:

It is okay to ask me for help. I love supporting you in your goals, I am your biggest fan!

This is not okay:

Waiting until the last minute to ask for my help and then demanding my time and attention with no consideration to other commitments I might have. I may *seem* accessible because you can physically see me, but please don’t assume my time and energy are available.

This approach allows me to feel good about sharing some of my life-wisdom with my son about how to manage a project, and also models the behavior I hope he will one day adopt in setting boundaries in his own world.

The feeling of being an effective Mom. My own tasks accomplished. Check. Thank you Universe, lesson learned!

And in the spirit of great irony, I then receive this quote from Anita Moorjani and I see the whole thing in a brand new light.

May the learning continue…

Pivotal Influences…

Pivotal Influences…

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I often get asked for more information on a piece of wisdom I have referenced from someone’s work whenever I am teaching or coaching. As an avid consumer of personal growth content, I also appreciate vetted recommendations – who wants to waste energy on a book that doesn’t resonate with you?

To that end, I have decided to share some of my pivotal influences. This was a difficult list to prepare, as there have been many authors and teachers whose work I have grown from and enjoyed, but these are the inspired beings, whose brave work has both resonated with and formed me, and continues to heavily influence my work.

Here they are, in no particular order…

Dr. Christiane Northrup
Revolutionizing women’s health, I have learned so much about how to listen to what my body has to tell me, and how to communicate back.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
I have consumed a lot of WD material but my favorite book of his is I Can See Clearly Now
Jon & Missy Butcher
This is the couple who designed the 12 Aspect Living Model: Lifebook, that balances your life and guides your decision making
MindValley.com /Vishen Lakhiani
A Global School That Delivers Transformational Education For All Ages
Christine Kane
Christine helps people break through their fears and obstacles to truly connect with their own meaningful work and bring it into the world.
Ashley Stahl
Ashley Stahl is a career coach, empowering people around the world to discover keys to their own authentic selves in order to make the best career choices for them. Great podcasts, asking the exact questions you have in your head.
Craig Hamilton
In his own words, Craig is helping to articulate an authentic evolutionary spirituality — an “integral enlightenment” which illuminates the vital relationship between individual transformation and collective evolution. Recommended for those ready to take a bigger step into what meditation can do for your own growth and humanity as a whole.
Gabby Bernstein
Best Selling Author, International Speaker, and Spirit Junkie. Love her energy, authenticity, and courage to put her work out there in the most honest way possible.
Emily Fletcher
Emily Fletcher is the founder of Ziva, the creator of The Ziva Technique and regarded as the leading expert in meditation for high performance. 
Louise Hay
Through Louise’s healing techniques and positive philosophy, she empowers you with the knowledge of how to create wellness in your body, mind, and spirit. I especially love her index of how unchecked emotions translate into physical ailments, shedding light on what your body might be trying to tell you.
Brene Brown
Researcher/story-teller specializing in vulnerability and shame. She is also a fantastically resonating and super funny speaker. I love her honesty, her sense of humor and her humility. I usually listen to her content first, and then purchase her books as a reference for later, because I love the way she story-tells, but I also want a record of her wisdom to reference later.  She has a great new podcast perfectly timed for what the world needs in 2020, Unlocking Us.
Dr. Kim D’Eramo
Dr. Kim founded The American Institute of Mind Body Medicine to train other doctors and health practitioners how to activate the body’s ability to heal itself. I worked with Kim to transmute some energy I had been carrying for far too long and definitely was no longer serving me. It was a major “re-birthing” in my life. I continue to tune into her content and work to re-ground and find my way back to center.
Glennon Doyle
I was introduced to Glennon’s book, Love Warrior, through Brene Brown’s work. I listened to it on audiobook and was mesmerized by her style of writing, so honest, authentic, and true, complimented by her 20/20 hindsight into what was really happening in each pivotal moment of her memoir. I quickly moved on to her next book, Untamed, and was launched into a whole new level of permission to BE.  Inspiring work she is doing not just with her writing and her organization, Together Rising, but in the very example of how she lives her life. Her books tap on every self-doubt a woman has ever had, and shines a light on the path she took to grow through them, empowering all women to courageously name and grow through their own self-doubts.
Gary Chapman
This is the author of The 5 Love Languages, and it’s various spin offs. It is simplistic in its categorization of the 5 ways we show and receive love, but so powerful in its application. So many “a-ha moments” from this work both in understanding those you care about, and your own triggers.
Abraham – Hicks
Law of Attraction I’m going to list this channel of content as the original path I took into learning about the Law of Attraction but it has spread into many other sources since then. Law of Attraction refers to how your vibration and thoughts direct the energy coming back to you. There are many sources from which to learn the Universal Laws, but this knowledge became pivotal in the way I guided my own life as well as coaching others. Law of Attraction is an energy exchange: you attract more or less of what you want, by how you choose to interact with it, as well as what you believe about yourself.
In short, what you focus on expands. In Alicia Keys book, More Myself, she describes it this way: “If you live with an open palm, rather than a closed fist, you leave room for immeasurable blessings to flow through your hands.”
Donn Smith
I was first introduced to Donn’s work through my husband who had attended one of Donn’s retreats for work. His book was eye-opening for me in how a belief can be formed from a single life experience that can haunt you your whole life, below the surface without your conscious awareness. After the sudden death of his father, my husband’s siblings, spouses and mom all attended a weekend retreat together with Donn to work through it all. Donn’s work is transformative, pivotal, and astonishingly efficient – such profound change in short work, for those that are ready. In more recent years his work has even proven to reverse physical conditions and diseases, re-introducing people to the freedom to live their lives more in tune with themselves.
Anita Moorjani
I have read several books in the pursuit of reconciling religion with spirituality for myself, and while many have been helpful in moving me along, none have had the breakthrough effect that Anita Moorjani’s memoir had for me, Dying to be Me. Her account of her battle with cancer, near-death experience, visit to “the other side” and subsequent return to this life, is a powerfully persuasive reflection on just how much influence we have on ourselves and our well-being, also giving greater clarity to what our purpose is here on this earth. I also really enjoyed her follow-up book, What if This is Heaven, which provides rare insights  into how to reconcile alignment with our higher-self, with the day-to-day challenges we encounter that tempt us to forget why we are here.
Michael Singer
Another case where I listened to the audiobooks first, then bought the hard copies. I first read The Surrender Experiment, which is Singer’s memoir about his incredible life example of how to let go and surrender to the divine help that is being offered to you. Then I savored every word in The Untethered Soul, in which he outlines how to do the same in your own life.

If you have any life-changing, soul-growing content that you would also like to share with the 924 community, I whole-hardheartedly invite you include it in the comments section!

Teen Anxiety – why everyone else knows how to get it right

Teen Anxiety – why everyone else knows how to get it right

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So, you know that loneliness you feel when you are with other people, but still feel alone and like you don’t belong? That feeling that few people dare to talk about for fear they might seem weak, and many people are quick to gloss over and respond with “ I shouldn’t feel that way cause others have it so much worse – what gives me the right to feel lonely when I’ve been blessed in so many ways?”   

Relax, exhale,  it’s alright, I’m not going to make you talk about it. I just need you to think about it for a few seconds so you can get into the appropriate perspective to keep reading.

At one particularly lonely moment in my life, I exasperatedly said out loud in my kitchen, with all my children present, “do you ever feel like you are living several different lives!?” It was really one of those moments where I meant to say it in my head but my mouth just didn’t get the memo, and thank goodness, because my children all responded with a huge exhale like they’d been holding their breath for days, and each with some form of “Gawd, all the time!”

I was shocked.  There was nothing leading up to that to indicate that any one of them had been struggling, yet all of them felt that way. That was an “aha” parenting moment for me.

It got me thinking that maybe the reason we are seeing record highs in teen anxiety is because no one has told them the truth about how hard it is to be your authentic self! They are living under an expectation that they should know who they are, and behave as themselves and if they don’t, there is something wrong with them.

 “Just be yourself!” they are told. “Right, if only I knew who that was!” they are thinking.

In actuality, most adults are wearing masks of their own, never truly showing their authentic selves, and never telling anyone, hence the misguided expectation!

Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed, talks about this when she went to her first AA meeting.  She explained how she felt like she was always doing life wrong, how it felt harder for her than other people and she just wanted to know what everyone else knows.  And then she sat down and stopped talking because there was nothing else to say, she just wanted to know. Someone came up to her afterward and said to her “Glennon, it’s not hard cause you are doing wrong, it’s hard because you’re finally doing it right. “

Numbing all those years with alcohol and drugs, and armoring up to protect herself from anything that could hurt her, was keeping everything out. Not just all the bad, but also all the good.

Brene Brown also talks about this in her book Daring Greatly. She explains how it takes courage to be vulnerable, in fact, there is no courage without vulnerability, and that being brave enough to allow ourselves to feel may lead us into pain, but is also the gateway to joy, peace, fulfillment and self-understanding. Makes me wonder how many opportunities I have missed because of the armor I was wearing each time I knew I just had to get it right.

One of the questions I often get asked, is “four kids! How did you do that?!” and the truth is, I didn’t do it well until #3. It wasn’t until my third baby that I began to really understand that there are several types of cries babies make:  hungry cry, tired cry, wet diaper cry, loud noise cry, just-needing-a-snuggle cry. With my first two babies (relying heavily on the trusted knowledge I had gleaned from baby books) I rushed to eliminate the options each time my baby cried (check diaper, try feeding, rock them a little, sing to them, etc.); I’m supposed to know how to soothe my baby if I’m a good Mom, right? By the third time around, I learned how to listen, and connect, and finally gained an understanding that my baby was communicating and if I was still enough to listen, I could discern exactly what he needed. But I had to get comfortable with listening to him cry.

Understanding our own types of pain and what that dashboard is pointing out to us is much the same. Brene says that learning how to feel pain is the pre-requisite for learning how to discern different types of pain. For example, recognizing the difference between “Becoming Pain” (the type we learn and grow from), versus “Self-Betrayal Pain” (the kind we berate ourselves for). We have to become intimate with our different types of pain to know what to sit in and learn from.  What would it take to be brave enough to take off our armor and sit with our pain to better understand it? And do we have the courage to take it one step further and model it for our children? If our children never see their trusted adults as anything but “strong” and “right”, what expectations are they forming about what is acceptable for them? What they learn is that showing pain is weakness, and it is not safe for them to not get it right.

As parents, what is our response to our children when they are in pain? Do we encourage them to tell us more and sit with them in their darkness with an empathetic ear, or do we rush to fix it because we can’t stand to see them suffer? How do they ever get comfortable with discerning what their pain is telling them, if we are always slapping Band-Aids on it? I can attest to several examples where I have jumped directly into fixing or solving the problem my kids have been brave enough to present to me, so that I can help them to feel better quickly.  In doing so, I have robbed them of the growth that naturally happens as they are “becoming”.  Certainly, much easier than having that awkward conversation about feelings that you don’t know how to solve for them, especially when you’re already exhausted from a full day and dealing with your own heavy emotions, right?

Shadow of parents feet under the bedroom door

Recently, my husband and I were watching Reese Witherspoon’s new series Little Fires Everywhere. In it she is struggling with her 14 year old daughter and after one of their conflicts, the mom stands outside the daughter’s closed bedroom door, wondering if she has it in her to go talk to her daughter about it. The daughter sees the shadow of her Mom’s feet outside her door, and then sees her mom’s feet walk away without coming in. The look on the daughter’s face is devastating. As much as she was pushing against her Mom hours earlier, she desperately needed her Mom to care enough to come in. I turned to my husband and said “and that is why you have the awkward conversation”.  He nodded in agreement and said “so true”.

It may not be comfortable, in fact, in many cases it is quite awkward, but the message that comes with it is that they have a parent who sees all of who they are, and loves them, not despite what they are experiencing, but wholly inclusive of it.   

Finding your joy, even when you’re busy.

Finding your joy, even when you’re busy.

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People rarely ask me what I do. This is usually because they have already learned that I have four children and so have jumped to the assumption that I am solely defined by motherhood.  On the rare occurrence, however, that someone asks about what I do, I often catch a glimpse in their eyes as I am describing the sessions I offer. It’s a glimpse that is reflective, and at the same time judgmental. They appear to be listening but their mind has immediately begun to assess where they might personally land on some imaginary spectrum of those who attend my sessions.  Is that something I need? Yes, of course, but do I need it badly enough to show vulnerability?  Some are brave enough to jump in and say “yes please, two helpings!” and others cling to their excuses of why self-care is not yet a priority for them.

I see moms every day struggling with “not good enough” self-doubt, forever questioning how they could have done something better, been more organized, not yelled at their kids, or how they missed a detail. Even on the good days, all it takes is one FB post or one Pinterest reference to send you into a tailspin of what you “should” be doing.

The word “should” just might be the most destructively–charged word in the English language.

I count myself in with this group, of course, but I found reprieve in an exercise from Sanaya Roman’s book “Living With Joy”. In it, she offers:

“You may have been taught that being busy creates self-worth”.

(notice how there is no judgement in that statement? It just offers an idea for you to consider and decide if it aligns with your own truth)

From this book, I learned to differentiate between Personality-driven activity (all the shoulds, and obligations we have allowed in our life) and Soul-driven activity – those activities done with your higher purpose in mind.

Weigh that for a minute in your mind. Personality-driven, versus soul-driven.

As you reflect on this and try to discern the difference, gently walk yourself through your schedule today. For each activity, consider how it makes you feel and how it relates to your higher purpose. Keep in mind that your ego will try to step in and begin justifying your choices to help you feel better, but follow your intuition. Do you feel resistance and negative emotions in response to the activity, or do you feel excited about it, like it is aligned with your true nature?

And I hear what you are thinking…”Well that’s a neat exercise, but I can’t just drop my obligations cause they don’t feel good, I’ve made a commitment to them!” Right?

If you discover activity in your day that is creating resistance and negative emotion, it doesn’t mean you have to drop it. This new awareness is gifting you with choice. Perhaps the choice is to drop it, but more practically, maybe the choice is to shift your perception of it. Reach for a better feeling thought about the situation. Consider it from a different angle or perspective and see if there is a lens through which you can see the activity in a way that better aligns with your inner purpose.

For example, when I tried this for myself the other day, I lay in bed after hitting the snooze and walked myself through the planned activities of my upcoming day, applying the lens of Personality-driven vs Soul-driven. It was going very well at first, until I got snagged on washing the dishes (the ones I have left for several days). Hmm, I don’t love doing dishes and there is no way that scraping day-old food off a frying pan is part of my higher purpose!  The job still needed to be done, and seeing how it’s unlikely I will get a butler for Christmas, I chose to look at it from another angle. How do I feel when the dishes are clean, put away and available to me when I wish to use them? Way better than I feel when I go to make dinner and can’t find a clean pan anywhere in the drawer. I carefully, and intentionally, reached for the better feeling thought – the one that fills me up when things are where they are supposed to be when I need them. I also love the way the kitchen looks when it is clean. It brings me joy to see a clean kitchen, and living with joy is most definitely part of my higher purpose.

So in the words you’ve likely said to your children a thousand times, there are no excuses, just choices.     

Sanaya Roman offers the following guidance when making those choices:

“You may have many reasons why you cannot change your life right now. If you do not begin to create reasons why you can, change will always be a future thought, and you will not be on the path of joy”.

You have a choice to live joyfully! Be mindful not to be trapped by your own creations. Everyone around you will thank you for it, and feel liberated to do the same.

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Need some help finding your joy? Head over to 924coaching.com to discover sessions designed to provide practice in the techniques that lead to a more purposeful and peaceful way of living. If a group session is not what you’re looking for, I also offer 1:1 coaching sessions to work through whatever is keeping you from your joy.


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Choose to invest in your own self-care – I promise you, everything flows better when you do!

Cathy holding hummingbird
Creating Flow Mini-Retreat

Creating Flow Mini-Retreat

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Peace

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

This framed definition sits centrally both in my home and in my heart. If you would like this vibe in your world also, consider attending my new session “Creating Flow”.

I have developed a new mini-retreat experience designed to create space for self-care, self-reflection, and re-alignment for those who spend much of their time and energy serving others.

I have called it “Creating Flow” because Flow is what it what it feels like when things are working well in your life. You know the difference – those days that start out with missing the alarm, stubbing your toe on the way out the door, forgetting to eat and falling behind on your task list… versus leaning back in pure awe at how easily something came together and remarking on how beautiful it is when things fall into place, seemingly on their own. Flow comes from knowing yourself really well, staying clear on what is important to you, and being familiar with the path that leads you back to center when you get pulled sideways. It doesn’t mean that every moment is perfect harmony, but it does lead to greater enjoyment of your life, and feels like expanding wisdom when things do go unexpectedly.

This one-day program will begin with some grounding techniques (meditation, some gentle yoga postures and energy moving exercises), looking inward (some personality profiling tools, self-reflection exercises and perspective enhancing tools), and concluding with some visioning work designed to create clarity around what you want out of the next 6-12 months.

All the techniques I cover in this session are methods and perspectives I have experimented with in my own life, and have now integrated into my regular routine as I walk my own journey of self-discovery and awareness.

This session will be offered on November 3rd, 2019

This retreat runs 9am-4pm and takes place in the meditation room in my home amongst the back drop of the Bridle Trails tree canopy. This full day investment in your own self-care and well-being is offered at the introductory price of $79.99 and includes lunch and refreshments, as well as take-home materials and a journal.

To reserve your spot, please register below and I will send you the registration materials.

~Choose to invest in your own self-care, everything flows better when you do!~